The Art of Listening

In this very distracted world, the art of listening is becoming more and more important. Listening is the act of receiving a communication message. We hear with our ears but listening requires concentration. Listening can happen at many levels. Our brain can process the meaning, our heart can process the feeling aspect, and our gut can process the unspoken part, the intuitive aspect. Our eyes are important as well in listening and ultimately, if we are good listeners, we listen with our whole body.

Interesting that the whole body shows up in Albert Mehrabians’s 7-38-55 rule of communication. It indicates that the body language is the predominant factor in communication.

• 55% by body language
• 38% by voice and tone
• 7% by the content or the words spoken

So back to the listening aspect of communication. How to you feel if while communicating to another, the listener pulls out their phone and starts to text? You certainly don’t feel heard and probably feel hurt or worthless on some level. On the other hand, if the listener held eye contact and held the space for you to talk, you would feel worthy, safe and like you matter.

As children probably 97% of us experienced things that left us feeling incomplete. So, we grow up with all sorts of insecurities. When we are in communication with another human being, on an unconscious level what we are really looking for is love, acceptance, being liked for who we are, and a sense of safety. As humans we are looking for connection with other humans and we want to matter. Being connected to other people is the essence of being alive. It’s all about relationship.

So really listening is very important and can be very healing. There are different ways of listening.

• ignoring – not listening at all
• pretend listening
• selective listening
• attentive listening
• the fifth level of listening can be called empathic or active listening

This is where the listener is aware that their mind is reacting in different ways to what they are hearing and are constantly bringing their attention back to the conversation. The focus is 100% on the being who is speaking.

Pointers for empathic or active listening

• Communication involves respect for the human who is speaking and giving them the opportunity to say what they want even though this may be contrary to your beliefs and ideologies.
• Making eye contact.
• Being sensitive to the speaker’s wants, needs and issues.
• Being attentive to what the speaker is saying by really listening with your whole body.
• Not interrupting or fidgeting.
• Being aware that your facial and body language is in a receptive state.
• Not preparing a response while the speaker is talking.
• Paying attention to non-verbal clues or hints.
• Being curious.
• Being present.
• Being transparent.
• Creating trust and openness.

Our world needs so much healing on so many levels. Active or empathic listening could change the world, one conversation at a time.

To your success,

Charlene Day

What is Ontological Coaching?

Self awareness and self-understanding lie at the heart of living a more fulfilled life. Ontological coaching is the fastest path to growth in these areas.

Ontological coaching is aimed at helping people live authentic and fulfilling lives. It is a type of coaching based on the philosophical study of the nature of being, ontology.  Ontology looks at what exists, what is true, and what is real. Ontology is also the study of how we determine if things exist or not, as well as the classification of existence. It explores the human condition and can train us to choose the best way of being at any given moment.  Ontological coaching can support us in achieving our goals and creating a new way of being.

Ontological coaching addresses the multi-dimensional nature of humans as biological, linguistic, emotional, somatic, along with our unique culture and history. It is very holistic in its approach with a biology, ecology, and mindfulness approach. Language, emotions and body are encompassed and there must be shifts in all three areas to integrate the change.

Our perception of the “truth” influences what we think and what we can know. Therefore, it is important to develop options and choices, that we may not have thought of without some guidance. Ontological coaching helps us to notice our existing patterns, practices, distinctions, assumptions, worldviews and concerns by creating a space for that awareness.

“This is so important because our subconscious mind is full of paradigms—those complex and habitual memorized behavioral patterns, emotional reactions, assumptions, values, perceptions, attitudes, beliefs or scripts that can act as filters to our experiences. Paradigms are deeply entrenched habits in our subconscious and guide our behavior and how we make choices. Our paradigms or beliefs control our perception, effectiveness, productivity, our ability to earn money, and much more. What we don’t realize is that our subconscious mind operates this programming for us approximately 96% of the time. It is running the show, so our lives are created mostly from our subconscious programming on autopilot. It is like an internal map or blueprint that must match the outside world. If we are not cultivating new habits, the old ones run automatically (even without our knowing it).” 30 Laws of Flow

Ontological coaching seeks to challenge our presuppositions and helps us to recognise that what we think of as ‘truth’ is usually nothing more than learned narratives. Our narratives and stories are usually expressed in the things we say as well as our beliefs and values; but they are often silent, invisible and in the background of everyday conversations. They also have an emotional and somatic dimension and can be major barriers to the change we desire.

Ontological coaching expands our capacity to choose. It is a means of producing major shifts in perception and behavior through all aspects of communication. No longer are we driven by our paradigms, beliefs, perceptions, attitudes assumptions, our views of the world, our “default” behaviors; instead we have the freedom to choose who we wish to be. This capacity enables us to accomplish our goals, to deepen our relationships, and to live a life that is full and rewarding in a more connected world.

Ontological coaching observes how we use language, what emotions are shaping our interpretation of the world, how we move through space, all the time facilitating our awareness of what we were previously blind to. It’s so obvious that we don’t see our presuppositions. In other words, we are blind to our blindness. We need someone “outside ourselves” to help us see what we cannot see – to reveal our cognitive blindness.

Ontological coaching will help expand your possibilities, increase your capacity to learn, act more effectively and better design your future.

For more information on Ontological coaching, please contact me.

To your success,

Charlene Day

“Just as you grow into the world, the world grows into you. Not only do you occupy a certain place, but that place, in turn, occupies you. Its culture shapes the way you see the world, its language informs the way you think, its customs structure you as a social being.” Costica Bradatan

Gratitude and Happiness Revealed – How to be Grateful

We just celebrated Thanksgiving Day in Canada, and it always the perfect time to be reminded about gratitude. It is wonderful when we become aware of something, then we notice it everywhere. Being reminded of the vibration of gratitude is always wonderful. A reminder to be mindful and in the present moment, to reconnect with our inner being or soul, to be connected with a universe that celebrates life and that we are all connected, all one. In this, happiness is revealed.

I discovered the TEDxSF video by Louie Schwartzberg on Gratitude. Please take a few minutes to watch this amazing video on gratitude.

By happy coincidence, I was reading the chapter on gratitude from The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace Wattles. So, gratitude is in the air around Thanksgiving.

As this video suggests, we have so much to be grateful for; each day we are here, our precious life, so much.

It is easy to notice that people who live from a place of gratitude, experience more of life’s goodness. With the natural principle that action, and reaction are always equal, what we put out, comes back to us. When we feel gratitude, the universe sends it back.

As Wallace Wattles says, “It is necessary, then, to cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you; and to give thanks continuously. This will bring you into harmonious relations with the good in everything, and the good in everything will move toward you.”

As we all are working for a better life, this video is a great reminder to cultivate the attitude of gratitude daily.

I wish for you a day filled with gratitude and continues daily! Feel free to check out the meditation on The Law of Gratitude if you want a daily reminder.

To your success!

Charlene

10 Ways to Get Attitude Shifts

Most people let outside circumstances, other people, conditions, and environment control their attitude. We don’t want the outside world to control us. We want the control. When we choose to control our attitude, we can respond to life rather than react to it. When our attitude shifts everything shifts. In this post, I’ll cover 10 ways to shift your attitude and discuss what attitude is.

William James said, “Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.” The only thing we have total control over is our attitude shifts.

Ask any successful person what tops the list of priorities for a successful life and they will tell you having the proper attitude.

Zig Ziglar said, “It is your attitude, not your aptitude, that determines your altitude.”

So, what is attitude?

Attitude is the composite of your thoughts (the activity of your conscious mind), your feelings (the activity of your sub-conscious mind), and your body, the material medium where your actions produce results. This is where behaviors show up.

1. Clement Stone said, “There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.”

All thoughts, feelings and actions are a form of energy that we express. Our thoughts charged with emotion set up a vibration in the body that will cause us to act. The universe will respond with a vibration in harmony with the one put out by us. So, if our attitude is positive we will attract a similar positive vibration and we will obtain a positive result. The same is true with the negative attitude.

So, what are these 10 ways to get attitude shifts?

1. Believe you can change your attitude, break old habits, make the choice to change your vibration.
2. Respond rather than react, change the way you look at a situation.
3. Become aware of what enters your consciousness and choose the positive.
4. Be aware of all the attitude components, the thoughts or beliefs, the feelings or the behavioral aspects and watch for any cognitive dissonance (holding two conflicting ideas) especially in the subconscious and the conscious minds.
5. Monitor your internal dialogue and change the words or phrases to positive ones.
6. Work with your strengths and delegate responsibilities that frustrate your attitude.
7. Ask yourself penetrating questions to break the negative state and get you to think differently.
8. Hang out with positive and inspiring people and model them.
9. Live in alignment with your values.
10. Count your blessings – have an attitude of gratitude.

Keeping your attitude positive is the fastest way to live the life of your dreams.

To your success!

Charlene

To read other blogs about Attitude:

• 10 Ways to Shift Your Attitude
• 10 Foolproof Tips to Protect Your Mental Health